Doctor at the World Health Organization
I used to work as a doctor for the World Health Organization. I didnt mean to, I thought I was auditioning for Doctor Who.
— Milton Jones
See the original Joke at http://cqhub.co/f560
Zombie One-liners and Riddles
What is the difference between zombies and patched jeans?
Zombies are dead men, Jeans are mended.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
What do you call a one inch zombie?
Tomb Thumb
Where do you go when you want to buy a zombie?
To the Mon-Store
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A MOM-ster
What kind of candy does a zombie refuse to eat?
Lifesavers
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead-ringer
Where do zombies go swimming?
The Dead Sea
Where do most zombies live?
On dead-end streets
Why did the zombie go crazy?
Because he lost his mind.
Who does a zombie take out for dinner?
His ghoul-friend.
Where is the safest place in your house from a zombie?
The living room.
What does the zombie say during a wrestling match?
Do you want a piece of me???
What do you call a dead bumblebee?
A Zom-Bee
Whats a zombies favorite toy?
A deady bear.
Who won the zombie war?
Nobody, it was a dead tie.
What did the zombie’s friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend?
Good grief! Where did you dig her up from?
Why did the zombie go to hospital?
He wanted to learn, a few sick jokes.
Where do zombies go for cruises?
The Deaditerranean.
What did the zombie get his medal for?
Deadication.
A Bird in the Hand Observation
A bird in the hand might well be worth two in the bush, but it makes blowing your nose very difficult.
See the original Joke at http://cqhub.co/R560
Rebecca Black vs. The Beatles (G)
“Friday” was the most viewed Youtube video in 2011 — I think it’s because it’s like a dead racoon: you don’t want to slow down and look at it, but you can’t help yourself.
But, as bad as the song seems to be, it may be as great a masterpiece as The Beatles “A Day In The Life.” Let’s compare the first verse of the two songs:
REBECCA BLACK: 7AM, waking up in the morning
BEATLES: Woke up, fell out of bed
REBECCA BLACK: Gotta be fresh
BEATLES: Dragged a comb across my head
REBECCA BLACK: Gotta go downstairs, gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
BEATLES: Found my way downstairs and drank a cup
REBECCA BLACK: Seeing everything, the time is going
BEATLES: Looking up, I noticed I was late
REBECCA BLACK: Ticking on and on, everybody’s rushing
BEATLES: Found my coat and grabbed my hat
REBECCA BLACK: Gotta get down to the bus stop, gotta catch my bus
BEATLES: Made the bus in seconds flat
See the original joke at http://jokeindex.com/joke.asp?Joke=4166
Pizza and Gynecology
What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They both can smell it but cant eat it.
See the original Joke at http://cqhub.co/K560
Zero to 200 in 3 Seconds
I was watching Top Gear the other night and they had a car that could go from zero to 60 in three seconds. I said to my wife, “I want something that can go from zero to 60 in three seconds!”
“I’ve got something that you can make go from zero to 200 in 3 seconds,” she replied.
“Really?!?”
“Yeah, go step on the scale, lard bottom!”
See the original Joke at http://cqhub.co/D560
What do we call people from Germany?
The teacher asks, “Jenny, what do we call people from Turkey?”
“Turks!”
“That’s correct. Johnny, what do we call people from Germany?”
“Uhh… Germs?”
See the original Joke at http://cqhub.co/6560
A Limerick from Dundee
There was a man from Dundee.
Whose limericks always ended on line three.
I don’t know why.
See the original Joke at http://cqhub.co/z460
Signs that You may live in Michigan
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Michigan.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t even work there, you may live in Michigan.
If you’ve worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Michigan.
If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Michigan.
If “vacation” means going anywhere North of Grand Rapids for the weekend, you may live in Michigan.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Michigan
. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Michigan.
If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day and back again, you may live in Michigan.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Michigan.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Michigan.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Michigan.
If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Michigan.
If the speed limit on the highway is 70 mph -you’re going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Michigan.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Michigan.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Michigan.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Michigan.
If you find 10 degrees “a little chilly”, you may live in Michigan. If you actually understand these jokes you definitely do live - or have lived - in Michigan
See the original Joke at http://cqhub.co/s460
Surgery by Occupation
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, ‘I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’
The second responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.’
The third surgeon says, ‘No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’
The fourth surgeon chimes in, ‘You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.’
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable’
See the original Joke at http://cqhub.co/l460
Punishing the Parrot
There’s this parrot that swears like a sailor, I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, “That’s it. I’ll get you.” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.”
The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”
See the original Joke at http://cqhub.co/e460
Vegetable Jokes
It came to my attention that we don’t have any vegetable jokes on Jokeindex.com… So, if you hear any, please lettuce know.
See the original Joke at http://cqhub.co/X460
