Got tired of picking out little keys on my phone, but I do SO MUCH on my phone, so I figured it was time to develop the new Mobile Desktop. Bluetooth keyboard, water glass as a “monitor stand” and I can still charge my phone while using it.
Laptops are just too bulky. This is the future, I tell ya!
Q Who was the greatest prostitute of all time?
A Ms Pacman. For a quarter she would swallow balls until she died….
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
She says, “What the hell do you guys think you are doing?”
One of the Japanese men says, “We are all berry hungry.”
The waitress says, “So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?”
One of the other businessmen replies, “Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED.”
University of Florida’s Urban Meyer on one of his players:
"He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear.
In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a sophomore course.
How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.”
The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”
A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.
He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? “
"Will the defendant please rise."
If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is going to dress only half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.
How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?
He saw “911” on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
"Every now and then I hear them jiggling the key in the lock, and I shoo them off my front doorstep. Then I have to change the locks, maybe add another one, and I start thinking about putting bars on the windows…"
Found out today that you’re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry strange lady at the Waffle House…
Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
If it has a cat playing with a household appliance it’s Facebook.
If it’s text about a cat playing with a household appliance with a link to a picture it’s Twitter.
If it’s a picture of someone working with cats it’s LinkedIn.
If it’s an Animated GIF (or a series of Animated Gifs) of a cat doing something funny it’s Tubmlr
If it’s basically a person painted to look like a cat it’s DeviantArt
If it’s a picture of a cat but no one looked at it it’s Google+
1. You think it’s okay to drink out of Styrofoam.
2. You say you’re “just getting used to the taste” and get a caramel macchiato.
3. You, again, say you’re “just getting used to the taste,” and the color of your coffee looks like milk.
4. You complain about how much you need coffee but say you have never suffered from a caffeine headache.
5. You don’t know what a trenta is.
6. You don’t know the difference between dark and light roast.
7. You say how desperately you need a cup of coffee and get a vanilla latte.
8. You think decaf coffee serves some sort of purpose.
9. You pull an all-nighter writing a paper and think a cafe mocha from Tim Hortons will help you stay up.
10. You get jumpy after a tall cup of coffee.
11. You go to Starbucks with a laptop and think you’re a hipster.
Editor’s note: See my related blog post on Amateur Coffee Drinkers
1) Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of 14-16 men’s work boots.
2) Place them on your front porch along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.
3) Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines
4) Leave a note on the door that reads:
Me and Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess up with the pit bulls. they got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I loced all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside.
Be right back.
When a man is missing an arm he gets a prosthetic arm that looks a lot like his missing arm. When a man is missing a leg he gets a prosthetic leg that looks a lot like his missing leg. When a man has no dick he gets a big pickup truck that looks NOTHING like his missing dick.