University of Florida’s Urban Meyer on one of his players: 

"He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. 

In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.” 


Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? 

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday. 

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? 


How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? 

None. That’s a sophomore course. 

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk? 

The cow fell on him. 

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods. 

One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.” 

The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?” 

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. 

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death. 

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. 

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? “ 

"Will the defendant please rise." 

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? 

The police officer. 

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend? 

There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck. 

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? 

A full set of teeth. 

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is going to dress only half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves. 

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum? 

They play dead at home and get killed on the road. 

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car? 

He saw “911” on the side and thought it was a Porsche. 

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch? 

Pay him for the pizza.

"Every now and then I hear them jiggling the key in the lock, and I shoo them off my front doorstep. Then I have to change the locks, maybe add another one, and I start thinking about putting bars on the windows…"

Found out today that you’re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry strange lady at the Waffle House…

Medical Association researchers have found  that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood  rather than human blood. 

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. 

If it has a cat playing with a household appliance it’s Facebook. 

If it’s text about a cat playing with a household appliance with a link to a picture it’s Twitter. 

If it’s a picture of someone working with cats it’s LinkedIn. 

If it’s an Animated GIF (or a series of Animated Gifs) of a cat doing something funny it’s Tubmlr 

If it’s basically a person painted to look like a cat it’s DeviantArt 

If it’s a picture of a cat but no one looked at it it’s Google+

1. You think it’s okay to drink out of Styrofoam. 

2. You say you’re “just getting used to the taste” and get a caramel macchiato. 

3. You, again, say you’re “just getting used to the taste,” and the color of your coffee looks like milk. 

4. You complain about how much you need coffee but say you have never suffered from a caffeine headache. 

5. You don’t know what a trenta is. 

6. You don’t know the difference between dark and light roast. 

7. You say how desperately you need a cup of coffee and get a vanilla latte. 

8. You think decaf coffee serves some sort of purpose. 

9. You pull an all-nighter writing a paper and think a cafe mocha from Tim Hortons will help you stay up. 

10. You get jumpy after a tall cup of coffee. 

11. You go to Starbucks with a laptop and think you’re a hipster. 

Editor’s note: See my related blog post on Amateur Coffee Drinkers

1) Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of 14-16 men’s work boots. 

2) Place them on your front porch along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine. 

3) Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines 

4) Leave a note on the door that reads: 


Me and Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess up with the pit bulls. they got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. 

Anyway, I loced all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside. 

Be right back. 


Alien 1: “Did the humans receive our message?”

Alien 2: “Yes, but they named it dubstep, and now they dance to it.”

1) It’s not that I don’t pull weeds, I’m just sequestering carbon. 

2) I would take a shower but I’m saving water, and therefore energy, and therefore the world. 

3) Getting a Big Gulp is buying in bulk, and we know that buying in bulk is not only fiscally responsible, but environmentally correct. 

4) I’d go for a run but I don’t want to contribute to CO2 emissions from my elevated breathing. 

5) I’m not bumming a ride off you, I’m reducing my carbon footprint. 

6) Playing video games all night means I’m using electricity during off peak hours and I’m helping to manage our energy resources. 

7) My refrigerator is a celebration in biodiversity. 

8) I’m wearing the same clothes as yesterday to help Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle. 

9) I let my trash settle before sending it to the landfill where it would be trapped in an anaerobic environment and never decay. 

10) Eating out of cardboard containers means I don’t waste water and energy doing dishes. 

Words that didn’t used to be dirty but are now

Words that didn’t used to be dirty but are now